Where have I been?! No, I didn't leave the country, I've been tearing up my house! I moved into this current house in May of 2006. By July of this year, I had finally painted every room in my house at least once - ceilings, trims, walls, closets. I had replaced all the floors as well. Three rooms had new furniture. It took me four years of weekends to get to this stage. I should have strolled from room to room, completely content. After all, I had chosen EVERYTHING. There was nothing left of the previous owners but the kitchen cabinets.
Did I pull out a novel that first free weekend and munch a few bonbons? I wish! Instead, I went to the new Homebuilders show in our area and came home convinced that the colors in my house were too saturated. When did everything go so pale and coolly neutral? I had my head down working and I missed it. Four years ago, I believed that a warm terra cotta color would be just the thing for an inviting dining room. Suddenly I was back at the paint store looking at French blues and smoky grays. Within the month, I went from having all warm tones to having THREE cool neutral rooms. I'm either crazy or addicted to paint fumes!
Actually, I think the idea of "being finished" scares me. I don't know what to do with myself if there isn't a long list of possibilities stretching before me. I like having work to do. I also think there is a subconscious element involved. If the work isn't "finished", there is room for improvement. I'm not committed to one thing, not taking a stand. If things are incomplete, one can't critically judge the end product. It may get better, things can still change. It is perpetually a "work in progress".
I guess I think of myself in those terms as well. Every year, I get closer to being the person I'd like to be, but Suzanne is definitely not "finished". I want more, I want different. I am nervous about being judged. I want people to recognize that I am not through growing and learning. I may make mistakes and I may not be in step with everyone else at the moment, but I am willing to do the work, to keep trying. I have the potential!
Will I ever be satisfied with my house, and with myself? I don't know, but I doubt it. I've never reached that perfect place where things couldn't be any better. What I do recognize is that I need to learn to be satisfied with the progress, to take pleasure in the journey. I need to enjoy that smoky blue dining room. I should take my chocolates and my novel and sit in there among the ferns for a while instead of looking for another project to start. Now, where did I put that book?
Suzanne